One-Year

It’s been a year since I haven’t driven a car. I’m picking the wrong day to write this post, as I’m having a feel sorry for myself day, which has nothing to do with not driving, but everything to do with what I can’t see right now. All in all I really do try to go on living as if nothing is different, except that it is..not a day goes by that I don’t think about what it is I can’t see anymore, and I hate that I think about it that often, because it reminds me that I’m not like everyone else, and I never thought I would be where I am at in life right now. My pitty party began this morning, when I totally bit it over a picnic table in the living room. The girls have been using this table for quite some time, and with the new floors finally done, we decided that the girls would not use it anymore for eating at, and take it to the basement..we’ll a few weeks in the family room, you’d think I would remember it’s there, but I didn’t. While walking to the bathroom to help Parker brush her hair and teeth, I totally ran into it falling over it, and landing on my side crying in shock and a little bit of pain, which I have the bruises and sore arm as proof of my mishap..all the while the girls are watching mommy make a fool of herself, and probably the first time either of the girls have really seen me cry. What a defeating moment. Chris called later to check on me, and wondered if my pride was feeling any better…he wasn’t being a jerk, I promise, he thought something really serious had happened like the TV cabinet falling down crashing on top of someone..it was that loud, and came rushing downstairs to see me lying on the floor…anyway, I don’t think it has anything to do with my pride…I mentioned it to my boss today since he could tell something wasn’t right with me, and he couldn’t understand why it was a big deal to have my kids witness this, and I couldn’t explain why it bothered me, it just does. The sad thing is that it probably won’t be the last..I guess maybe its because you don’t want your kids to see you that vulnerable and have them realize that their mommy really is different, and then later understand how that impacts their lives..I don’t want my girls growing up feeling burdened for me. I want to be self sufficient, and capable, and strong, for them, for Chris, and myself….so, it’s been a year of not driving..honestly, that’s not the worst part of it all so far…year two may be a bit different.