A Decade

I have so many thoughts going on right now I don't know where to begin.  My heart is heavy for so many people in my life..Amazing beautiful friends facing life struggles that I can't begin to understand, and then my own life circumstances that can get me down from time to time.  I'm so thankful that I have faith in our God that he will get me through this, and I know that my friends have faith too, which helps us take it all in, but still life is hard.. We don't always understand the whys, we don't always see the positive but to have faith helps me to hold on.  I can't Imagine what my life would be like without my belief in God that he can and will get me through this.  He's proven to me so far that he walks this road along side with me and many others as they go through their life struggles...I can't imagine not having God by my side.  He is my rock, my healer, my savior..and yet, I feel like I don't fully understand the depths of his love for me, can we truly?

A good month has passed so I can share this story now..My pity party has long been gone, but for journaling sake, I feel like I should remember the tough times too.  Almost two years ago when I met with my new Dr. and I stopped driving we talked about my future.  We talked about how long before my pheriphial vision was totally gone, we talked about my central vision, and he answered my questions..I heard the answers..I processed the important ones at the time..flash forward almost TWO years..On our way home from one of our many road trips, I asked Chris a question...I'd been pondering it for a while, and knew it was a dumb question...a very dumb one...The kids were asleep in the back, and it was dark, and quiet..

Me:  "How long is a decade"? 
Chris:Ten years, why? 
Me:  No reason....

Ten years....wow..my mind was finally processing a conversation from two years ago..sometimes its just easier to not go there, to not process..but for some reason, it was time.  My Dr. had told me that I should have good central vision..the only vision I have left for a good decade..at the time, that sounded great, it sounded a LONG time away..today, it doesn't sound that far away at all..The devil was getting hold of my thoughts, and taking me in a direction I didn't need to go in...If that was two years ago, then that means I only have 8 more years of good central vision, Parker will be 13, Brecken will be 8..oh I have so much more life to live..a few days later, I cried myself to sleep while Chris was downstairs..only I couldn't go to sleep, so I went and cried in his arms..God knew Chris would be the perfect husband for me, he knew that he would stand by me and guide me through all of this, and be strong..After a few encouraging words and letting me melt down, I felt better...I got to sleep, and am handing it over to God the only way I know how, because I can't worry about it..I can't let the enemy take hold of my thoughts, and bring me down. 

I've been listening to a song over and over again that I heard a while back and just listening to it gives me hope.  Makes me realize again that I'm not in this alone at all, I do have someone watching over me, someone who knows my every thought, move, who can be my healer if he chooses, who knew the path of my life even before I was born, and most importantly who loves me...

He loves everyone else who is struggling with their own life circumstances too, and there are a lot of us out there..friends, kids, dads, moms, we all have them, and we all have a choice in how we deal.

I know I've said a lot of the same things before, it's a constant battle, and in the end, this is what I'm always reminded with.  So tonight, I pray for healing, hope, happiness for myself and for those that I love.